[Report filed, Dancing Clouds 22nd, 3125-Malcom]
This is my Report,
I was going to ask Malcom to date my reports again, but Im beginning to think that little man is scarier than I thought. Word around the Rangers is he made a Colonel, a Major, a Captain go have sex with themselves. I’m not sure how that works, but I don’t want to find out.
[Departed Echer’Naught Dancing Clouds 3rd, 3125-Malcom]
Anyway, we road north again, back the way we had just come a few weeks ago. I’m not sure if the Rangers understand the concept of their own…um…concepts. Right? We were not supposed to be on duty for another week at least. And they send us right back into the same fight we just left?
Me, I don’t really care, though wish they’d make up their minds. Coulda saved a lot of trouble if we had just STAYED put before, rather than ride ALL the way to Echer’Naught only to ride ALL the way back out here. But, I begin to understand that a Ranger is pretty capable and smart. The Corps are run by a one eyed Ogre with a head wound.
The ride takes, what?, three days? Where did the winged elf go? For a Corporal, I don’t see him doing much. Anyway, the working Corporal spots an enemy camp a couple miles out. Least, that’s what she said. I had no reason to doubt. I couldn’t see squat.
[Arrived at the Tempest camp on Dancing Clouds 6th, 3125-Malcom]
The Sergeant orders a halt, has us make a “secure’ camp and the horses are watered and fed. Look. What in the Abyss is a secure camp? We supposed to guard it? Keep people out? These Rangers and their fancy words. Mostly, I just stand around and look mean. That, and spend time with my WIFE.
She looks amazing. I like riding behind her. Her hair whips in the wind and the tips of her ears poke out just enough to see… Sometimes, shell catch me watching and give me that look. Like, what in the Abyss is wrong with you?! Ascended but I love that elf.
The corporal takes one-eye out on a recon of the enemy camp. They come back that night, looking nervous. One word. Tempest.
Oh look, we found the SAME group of Tempest from our last fight. I got excited. Time to settle the score for the former Sergeant. Everyone just looks a little sick. You know, I think these Tempest shites have them a little spooked. They haven’t been this nervous since my WIFE took ill.
So, we sit and watch for four days, give or take. It weren’t all bad. Volstagg can cook. The half-orc seems capable enough. I’m not sure about his Ass though. They seem to be a little close…if you understand.
We had a herder up north, orc, I was just an orkling, but the caregivers said to keep away from him. I didn’t know why till much later. Turns out he too liked them wild, sheep in his case. To be honest, I was a little mad. I mean, I wasn’t a sheep so why’d it matter? They just said it did.
If he weren’t hurtin nobody and enjoys the company, more power too him. The sheep seemed to follow him an awful lot so he must be doing something right. Maybe that’s why the mule wont leave that fellow alone? I guess he’s good in the saddle? If you understand.
[Dancing Clouds 10th, 3125; camp outside of Tempest fort-Malcom]
So, after four days of nothing. The Sergeant figures that Anaxelum already beat us to the camp. Let me explain. So, Anaxelum is an enemy commander, I figure. He and the dead Great Wolf got one well enough so that he, being Anaxelum, was invited to live in the Wolf’s house. But, Anaxelum was still an enemy, so he was kinda in prison, but not really. While there, he learned all about the Rangers and the city.
Also, during their first battle, the Corporal and this Anaxelum tried to kill each other. Seems neither pulled it off, but it sure tickled them were it feels good cause about the time Anaxelum and the Wolf get back from some place called Nor Can Dar, wherever the Abyss that is, she decides to throw away her whole life with the Rangers to get some of him. Then she dies. I think.
Here’s where it gets confusing. So, she goes down. I mean dies, not…whatever. He, Anaxelum, sells her soul to his god to save her life, making her an enemy of the Rangers and now his. But the Rangers keep her on even though she’s now Tempest and bedding the enemy commander.
Alright, the Wolf and the Tempest have a deal that because he’s such a swell guy, the Wolf will just let him go whenever the Tempest attacks again. Then the Wolf dies. Tempest hangs around with the Corporal until we battle Tempest.
So now, Anaxelum has taken his men to return to the Tempest lands with all our secrets. The Rangers don’t care about any deal the Wolf made, they just want the Tempest dead. And the Corporal, near as I can tell, is tired of bedding the man, and plans to go back to killing him?
More or less. To be honest, none of this makes any sense. Why didn’t they just arrest him before? Why would the Wolf give him all these secrets then just send him on his way. And why is the Corporal trying to kill him again if she’s supposed to love him?
Remind me never to piss of Dakota. Elven maidens are touched. Really.
Alright, so, the Sergeant decides we gotta kill the Tempest mage in the enemy camp to keep them from leaving. Which, seems stupid. If they wanted to leave, wouldn’t they have gone days ago? Clearly they have no intention of going anywhere but who am I to miss out on a good fight?
The plan: The Sergeant leads a team with me, the dwerg, the scruffy mercenary, the one-eyed mercenary, the half-orc, and Volstagg in an ambush on a morning patrol coming out of the enemy camp. Meanwhile, the Corporal and my WIFE sneak around the side and set up to snipe the Tempest mage should he pop his head up. The Sheriff of Echer’Naught and his knights would join with the Wolfhaven Free Riders and ambush any enemy reinforcements that might try and break up out little party.
The plan seemed good enough, if pointless. Still, I was finally getting close enough to stab these Tempest dogs and I wasn’t about to say or do anything to ruin a perfect day for slaughter. All day before the battle, the Sergeant and Volstagg have us salting our weapons with pig fat. Says they make it easier to fight Tempest? Not unless we are gonna eat our gear. But, I don’t ask questions. Orders is orders.
We crawled into place by the road that very night and waiting till the morning for our attack. It was pretty peaceful. The hot summer was cooling off and the bugs were out, chirping and buzzing. I dozed as the wind rustled the tall grass. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear the Tempest soldiers talking and laughing. I looked forward to spilling their guts in the mud.
[Attack occurred on the morning of Dancing Clouds 11th, 3125; just north of Tempest fort-Malcom]
Morning came, finally, and we readied ourselves. Sure enough, right on schedule those Tempest cogs came marching out in perfect order, two columns of lightly armored scouts. Sergeant waited until they were almost past our spot before springing ambush.
We hit them HARD. Three went down before they even knew we were among them! For a minute, I wondered why everyone made such a fuss about these Tempest. They seemed to die like anyone else. I was soon to find out.
Yeh, we hit them hard and yeh, they were pretty shaken. But that lasted all of a heartbeat. Before our lines could form and box them in, the Tempest shifted fronts and flanked us, putting their back against their own fort. I heard a lout pop and buzz and then the entire flaming line erupted into lighting. What in the name of the Abyss are these things?!
Our ambush when sideways and our lines got fouled, while they cut, slashed and stepped in perfect unison. I’ll hand it to them, Sergeant tried to shore the left, while Volstagg and the one-eyed merc came up on the right, but with each hit, we got scorched bad. Then, the enemy siege engines opened up and everything went red.
I know we were taking hits. Sergeant was cut down by four of them. The one eyed merc too. The dwerg came up and held his own for a minute. Even the half-orc did his best, berserk rage and all, but he took a ballista bolt through the chest and went down. Things seemed grim when the world went white.
Scruffy merc picked up an enemy weapon and thought’d be a great idea to try and fire it. Thing was, the enemy trapped all their casters. He went up in a ball of lighting taking out the dwerg and half our line. In his defense he managed to take out a couple Tempest. He was fine, I got singed.
He had just enough time to laugh at the Tempest for failing to kill him when a ballista bolt went through his stomach. Sodding moron.
That left me and Volstagg to hold the line. The rest were down and bleeding out. Then the oddest thing happened. We hear a horn, the Tempest throw us back and then…march away.
I woulda chased them, but turns out I was fairly mortally wounded. Volstagg was missing part of his leg. Ballista. Next time, I figure we stay out of range of those?
So, while we were fighting, the Corporal managed to make her shot. I guess. The whole camp was being sucked up by a twister! Those Tempest crazies just ran right into it and vanished. Good riddance.
And then, it was over. Well, almost. Seems those Tempest rats had trapped their casters. They go down, we go boom. I grabbed everyone on my half the field, Thorgram grabbed his and we took off running hell bent for leather. Blast nearly finished us good, but we managed to eat dirt. Then, it was over.
After a bit, the Sheriff and what was left of the Free Riders came over. Volstagg and the Sheriff started drinking and eating while the medics went to work. One of the Sheriff’s knights went and found my wife. She was all shot up, but her stomach wasn’t hit.
Medic said she would live. I told him if she didn’t, neither would he. Im surprised he seemed not surprised at that.
I stayed with my WIFE while the others did their thing. Tents were set up, the wounded bandaged the dead stacked. Eventually, someone went to get the Corporal. Turns out she lived AND she’d killed Anaxelum. Well, almost. Shot him in the throat. I’ll never understand love.
Eventually the scruffy looking merc comes around and heals my wife. Volstagg said his codpiece was magic? I watched him VERY carefully.
[Medical caravan arrives in the afternoon on Dancing Clouds 15th, 3125-Malcom]
So, we stay there a few days. Eventually, the Sergeant wakes up. Ben helps me contact the mind lady and we get some wagons for the dead and dying. It takes a few more days, but we are on our way home. I stay with my WIFE. She’s strong.
[Rangers depart for Echer’Naught on the morning of Dancing Clouds 16th, 3125-Malcom]
[Rangers arrive in Echer’Naught in the afternoon of Dancing Clouds 21st, 3125-Malcom]
We get back to Echer’Naught maybe five days after that? My wife and I go to the Sacred Grove where tree singing elf checks her out and then we go back to our room to rest. I was sore.
While, we enjoyed each other, turns out the others were busy. I think it was the next morning that the Sergeant and Corporal went to the Elf commander about Anaxelum who was fine by the way. Anyway, I don’t fully understand but it turns out that he and the Corporal were married this whole time!? And she STILL tried to kill him?
I’m going to be extra nice to my WIFE. Someone said that elven maidens get even crazier while pregnant…
Maybe I could borrow the codpiece?