This is my report,
[Report date begins morning of Festival Moons 23rd, 3125; Ranger Regional Headquarters –Malcom]
We’re in Echer’Naught now. Big place. Not as big as Olara…but big. Turns out, the Sergeant had a student, Malcom. He said he’d date my report. Thank the Ancestors.
So, we arrive at the city which will be my home now, I suppose. Odd. I never really considered living in a city before. I always found it kind of funny. So many people packed into such a small space. I’m surprised people aren’t killing each other all the time. Part of being civilized?
Anyway, we get here and go through this massive gate, then through another gate, then through another gate. This last in a castle. I’d heard about the Tower of Echer’Naught but Flame is it BIG! You could probably fit everyone from my gather in the blasted thing and still have room to move. I bet the view from the top is savage. Course, I doubt they’d let me up there. Rules.
So, we arrive and go in this palace. Least I assume it was a palace. Dakota said it was the Ranger HQ. I say it’s a palace.
Inside there are Rangers everywhere. Outside too. And out front. And back. Rangers training in the courtyard, Rangers talking in the halls. Everywhere you look, green cloaks and weapons. How many bloody Rangers ARE there? And then Volstagg tells me that this is the little Ranger HQ? What?!
We sit outside in a hallway wide as a road, carpeted in soft red, hard wood walls, mirrors, vases, furniture… Definitely a palace. Sergeant goes through these big double doors and meets with the Mak Torkash of the Ranger Gather.
Wait, no. The Lieutenant of the Regional Command. What in the abyss kind of word is Lieutenant. Sounds like some shyte made up by the Camonere. Bloody lushes. So, we wait outside in our bloody clothes and muddy boots. I didn’t mind. I’ve never been in digs like this. Rangers must be rich.
Besides, I was with Dakota. Seems these days I can’t take my eyes off her! Soft brown hair, green eyes, those cute ears…smells like…flowers, forest trees…and…her. Something new too. She’s carrying our child. I’m gonna be a father.
Weird though. Never figured I’d be one to care. Yeh, back in the gather I assumed I’d breed some strong Orcs for the gather. But, its not the same. Goblinesh, we don’t pair up. You want someone, you have them. Children are raised by all. No one lays claim.
But now…I am happy.
So, we sit and wait. Eventually, the Corporal comes out looking pissed. Turns out someone named Alfred and his team died? Gunther says Alfred is the Great Wolf’s son. Sad. Great warriors. I pray they died well.
Corporal then says we have leave. I thought we were going to stay in the city. How can you stay and leave? Damn Southlanders.
Anyway, Corporal also says she is done for a couple days and to leave her alone. She stalks off. Gunther smashers a vase then he storms off. Dakota says she will take care of me.
She’s about to take me to the Barracks when Gunther comes back and wants to go get drunk and go Shopping. I ask Dakota. She says its ok. She says she’ll come along.
I could get used to this.
First, we go to a bar called the Barracks. Wait…is this were I’m staying now? In a bar? Very nice!
So, we get a little drunk. Ok, maybe a lot drunk. Not Dakota. She won’t drink. Maybe because she is going to be the mother of my child? Orcs drink while pregnant. Guess elves are different. I don’t mind. So long as she’s happy!
Volstagg gets REALLY drunk. Me, I can hold my ale. After we both get drunk. We go shopping.
I didn’t know what that meant. See, before, I asked Leaora, the bard, to help me get White Silver on my Chucktar. But that, apparently, wasn’t shopping.
Shopping is like…pillaging a town. You ransack the place, busting into shops, taking what you want, accosting the shopkeepers and wind up with all manner of loot and plunder! But, instead of killing anyone, you pelt them with gold pieces.
Strange custom. I think I like Shopping. I’ll need to get more gold so I can go Shopping again. Next time I’m home, I think we shall go Shop some Kal villages!
But, if you think Shopping is fun, wait till you hear what ELSE these Southlanders do!
So, after Shopping the town, we wound up with clothes, armor, weapons, jewelry for Dakota…and some amazing dresses…
She looks great in dresses. Better naked, but the dresses look good too…
So, after Shopping, Volstagg goes to sleep it off with some women and I ask Dakota what to do. I may have been drunk now. She say’s we’re going to stay in an Inn because we can’t sleep together in the Barracks. But we were just INN the barracks. Not sleeping, yes, but they didn’t seem to mind us being together. I’m sure they’d let us sleep there…
I am so confused. And was drunk.
Dakota takes me to an Inn and Shops it too! I love this city. Then we go up to our room and I sleep. A lot.
[Following day, Festival Moons 24th, 3125 -Malcom]
When I wake up, Dakota is still there. With all the Shopping and drinking, I forgot that I wanted to talk with her…about the baby. But, when I try to speak, my words get all jumbled. She does that to me.
Give me a raging Minotaur any day, but trying to talk to Dakota… about…feelings?!
Screwing up the balls, I tell he that I want to be a gather…no…a Family. That’s the word she says. Family.
I want to raise our child together. She asks if that means I want to get Married. Yes. That’s what these Southlanders do. They pair up and get married and raise families. That’s what I want! Dakota seems confused.
Was gonna ask Volstagg, but I’m on my own now. So, I ask Dakota how to ask her to marry me. She says I have to learn to tie knots. Ok? Strange, but if that makes her happy. Also, I have to kneel. Again, whatever it takes.
I do remember hearing that Southland women like jewelry and there is something about giving each other jewelry when you get Married? I find the whole things confusing. But, whatever it takes.
So, she asks if I’M asking to marry her. Of course? What does she think I’m trying to do. I say yes. She says she is worried that she’s not good enough. Being just an elf and me an Orc warrior…
I know Dakota’s a little crazy, one of the things I love about her. But, not worthy???
She’s the most beautiful woman in the world, elf or otherwise. AND she’s a warrior! And she’s a Ranger! And, she’s a Druid whatever that is. AND she fought off the plague that terrified every other elf!!!!
I was just afraid she wouldn’t want a poor Orc blade like me.
SHE SAID YES!
Dakota is now my wife!!!
I’m so happy.
And just when I thought things couldn’t get better, I find out that we have three whole weeks in the Inn for nothing but sex! AND WE GET PAID FOR IT!
I am DEFINITELY taking this custom home. One of the innkeepers called it a Moon of Honey? I thought the moon was cheese. Well, whatever damn food the moon is…I love this city!!!
It wasn’t all sex, though. We had a Last Call for the Sergeant.
[Evening of Festival Moons 24th, 3125; Wayfarer’s Rest –Malcom]
Seems like the entire city showed up. Someplace called the Wayfarer’s Rest. How crazy is it that we have a goblinesh place that sells fish?! In the middle of the grasslands with no water for hundreds of miles. This whole city is crazy. But good.
So, this old man named Fateweaver, some bigwig in the city, hosts the last call. I went with my WIFE! Corporal showed up with a big guy, Anaxelum Dakota says. They must be together as well. Everyone told stories about the Sergeant. I told the best.
I said, “He was an Elf, he was a mage, he was a scholar, he was a warrior, he was a Ranger. He died well. Now he’s a tree.” Volstagg plays a mean lute. Everyone thought it was the best. Dakota seemed impressed. Maybe I will be an orator?
So, the night goes long and we drink and toast the Sergeant. They pile cups and pots full of money on the bar. Weird. Oh, and apparently the Sergeant always blew up when he was still and elf, and not a tree??? I don’t know.
At some point, the Corporal snuck of with her man. Probably to go have sex. She needs it. No offense if she reads this.
So, after the Last Call, my WIFE and I go back to have more sex.
[Morning of Festival Moons 25th, 3125; Echer’Naught’s Sacred Grove –Malcom]
Next morning, we go to the Sergeant’s funeral. This was in some place called the Sacred Grove. That scary elf druid who was the Sergeant’s woman was there. She seemed scarier. The elves ringed us in and started singing. Good thing I had my Chucktar. Dakota likes the grove.
I’ll learn to like it too.
Fateweaver spoke again. Then, another Ranger steps up. Turns out she is out NEW Sergeant. Seems capable enough. She’s no Sergeant tho. She spoke well. I like her.
Then the old Sergeant’s lady spoke/sang. I cried a little. I don’t cry. She’s really scary. The elves plant a tree. And then the old Sergeant’s lady walks off, nothing else said. The funeral breaks up.
While the others sip wine and talk, I go and try to get to know the trees. They don’t do much, but I want to meet all of my WIFE’s friends. There are a lot of trees. This may take a while.
Afterwards, we go back to the inn for more sex.
While we were having AMAZING sex, it turns out that Commander Kelles, that Olaran commander during the battle when the old Sergeant died sent us a painting of wolves killing a bear. He called us Bear Killers and said we should own the name. I agree. Kura’Kai, husband of Dakota Alfiem, Ranger, Bear Killer. Nice.
[Morning of Festival Moons 26th, 3125; Baron Wolfhaven’s Estate –Malcom]
Next morning we gather at the Great Wolf’s home for the reading of the will. My Wife got some nice armor. Other ppl got things.
[Afternoon of Festival Moons 27th, 3125; Ranger Regional Headquarters]
Couple days later, I hear that the winged elf returned. Good?
[Afternoon of Festival Moons 28th, 3125; Ranger Regional Headquarters]
Then, a day after that, there is a huge commotion. My WIFE and I go to see what the fuss is about. Turns out another Ranger, this one a half-orc named Thorgram apparently just returned from prison. So THAT’S who the ass belongs too. I wondered about that.
We shake. He’s STRONG. I don’t understand much, but we went down to the dwarven alehouse, the Hammer and Anvil to drink and party. We stay a bit, my WIFE can’t drink. We leave to go have more sex.
Couple more weeks pass. I spend most of it in bed. I hear that the local Sheriff, a Sir Halten drags the half-orc through the streets every morning and every night in chains. I think I overkill, but these Southlanders do have odd habits. We don’t see anyone much.
[Morning of Dancing Clouds 2nd, 3125; Ranger Regional Headquarters –Malcom]
Not until we are suddenly called to the big HQ for an emergency meeting. Turns out our Moon of Honey gets cut short.
I’m ashamed to admit it, I was kind of happy for the break. I mean, I’m tough. Really tough, but Dakota is a Wyvern! Does she EVER get tired?! Maybe it’s an elf thing, or a druid thing. Or maybe because she’s with child. Whatever the case, I don’t know how much longer I could have gone…sometimes 2 or 3 times a day!
Thank the ancestors for missions.
So, we meet the elf commander, Celebor. He seems an odd choice. Tired. Also, our new Sergeant, Whitestone is there. A couple of guys and our new team.
Sergeant Whitestone, a human female. Olaran. Very military. Plate armor. The works. Stout. I like her.
Then, Corporal Ravenwood. She seems really sad. I’ll explain why.
Then the winged elf. He’s a Corporal too.
After that, there is the Half-orc Thorgram, Ranger First Class Ramshorn to be true, then a crazy looking dwarf named Rysak Ironblood, a Ranger First Class. Savage. Reminds me of these Dwergs out of Shaya’Nor.
Then the Rangers, a human in some old, scratchy black plate, named Thomas Zulcrum. Apparently he was a city guard before?
Leora, the bard, my wife, Dakota, and me.
Volstagg took the cloak and a new human man. One-eye. Very dour. He looks like fun.
That’s it. Our team.
And the mission? Get this! We have to hunt down Corporal Ravenwood’s man. Apparently he’s actually our enemy, but they were living together? I don’t even…
I enjoy killing. It’s what I do. But, now that I’m married, sex is better. Maybe I should suggest the Corporal to marry him instead of trying to kill him? Then the Rangers will PAY them to have sex!
I’ll ask Dakota if it’s a good idea.
Also, that Sheriff and his men will join us. Ranger First Class Ramshorn is still a prisoner? I guess he killed some Olarans. And now, they are sending the Sheriff to kill him if he gets mad?
What in the Abyss is wrong with all these people?
On second thought, I want to back to my room and have sex with my Wife.
But no. That night, we meet the Sergeant in the back room of the Barracks.
Ok, look. They have a back room. Why can’t I stay there with my wife?! Nothing in this place makes any damn sense.
Pre-dawn on Dancing Clouds 3rd, 3125; North Barony Road –Malcom]
I’m confused. But, orders are orders. We leave dawn the next day and ride hard north. I hope Corporal Ravenwood doesn’t get mad when I kill her man. I hope they had a good time during their Stay Leave.
Malcom says I should go back and sign all these.
[Ranger] Kura’Kai Alfiem